@CanadianPitbull: Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I
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@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
@WheelTod: Prank: if you're standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
@ibid78: -Joe's coming over. "Joe from work or Joe who thinks he's the Norse god, Thor?" [the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear