@CanadianPitbull: Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I
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@Jake_Vig: [engineer looking at blueprints] "Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."
@Brianhopecomedy: My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, "Please kick me in the face".
@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth