Diabetes was the God of sugar.
You Might Also Like
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
j o i m p
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!