Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Its true…