Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
is this a warning or an offer?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”