My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
why am I working on Labor Day
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary