Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Tough love is true love
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it