Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”