Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
You Might Also Like
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…