Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.