Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.