Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
You Might Also Like
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Ooh I do like a good funnel