Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.