Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast