@CatherineLMK: Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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@TheAdly: All the good ones are taken. All the funny ones are fat. All the smart ones are ugly. All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
@murrman5: [waiting with friend for his test results] "I'm nervous" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
@bjaynash: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
@PoonWhisperer1: This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.