Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses