Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays