Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.