that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
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My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.