Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love