When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?