[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.