When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
…żyje?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Lmao the reply
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings