I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank