Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Breaking news:
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Risking my life for fun.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen