Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?