[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”