Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
scrabbled eggs
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage