Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.