Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Okay me first
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
synchronized noseblowing
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot