ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
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the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
it must be school picture day
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice