I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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the composer
ok like just. call me at this point
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300