Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Who did it better?
Spa day..😅
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m about to risk it all
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.