Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
this could fix me
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”