Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.