hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Worst bar ever.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The game has officially changed 😎
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic