@DaddyJew: Apparently shouting out "he has a gun" isn't the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
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@HairyJew4Life: Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
@JohnDuffy21: Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
@huntigula: GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
@Jermaine_Accram: My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect