Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You Might Also Like
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still