my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Strange
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”