Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ