@hipchkk: Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children's piano recital.
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@michaelianblack: The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.
@LurkAtHomeMom: My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
@thenatewolf: *Friend is sinking in quicksand* Get help before I drown! *I start to run, stop, jog back to friend* Technically you're not drow- NATE!
@2tonbug: "Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table