Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.