Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Just a friendly reminder!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu