Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Noah was an idiot.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.