“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Meowchelangelo
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.