just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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My kitchen overserved me.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg