@mrjohntofu: Apparently telling someone you'll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
@dafloydsta: How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
@junejuly12: If you don't believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
@runningmascara6: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
@daemonic3: "Hey, will you join us in our street protest?"
I actually love streets