Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Bootstraps
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.