@mrjohntofu: Apparently telling someone you'll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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@MikeRevenaugh: Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say "You silly goose."
@RealGorillaNips: Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out? Me: Yes, officer. Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed? Me: 2005
@robin_991: 6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads. 7yo: why do you need to be a bird? my 7yo is ready for twitter.