Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.