@CollegeHumor: Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than "horsemeat".
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@alive_and_dying: One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.
@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
@MyPornKhan: I'm guessing the person who decided how to spell "queue" and "okay" got paid by the letter.
@shegotagronk: You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.