The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.