Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Hmm, not sure about this change
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*