@iwearaonesie: Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is "I'm sorry" not "I guess that means no sex tonight"
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@KyleMcDowell86: *sees a babe about to walk through a puddle* "No no, allow me" *gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
@PaperWash: What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
@Jeffwni: [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?