Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.