Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
the three branches of government
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.