Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Oh, I bet you would be
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.