What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.