Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”