3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
the rocks need my help
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Children of the corn 🌽
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.